Jake and Chelsea were a pretty couple. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a clue who they were. I studied the envelope. No last names on the return address, just first names and a monogrammed P. The smart phone code in the lower right-hand corner (redacted) was useless. I don’t own a smart phone.

I Googled. Found Jake P. from The Bachelor.

 Not this Jake.

The postmark: Tulsa. Distant relative? I dug out an address list from a family reunion, dated 2003. Reminder: clean out the junk drawer. No one should keep a list nine years old. On page five of seven: (I have thirty-six first cousins) I found a Jake P. We’ve never met. Armed with a last name, I went back to Google. They’re registered at Pottery Barn.

I won’t be saving the date, but Jake and Chelsea, if you’re reading, have a nice life.

The Other Newt

Despite a dearth of content, the hits just keep on coming. Since I wrote about the GOP’s Theory of Gravity, Crisply Spoken has received two-hundred sixty-three searches for Sir Isaac Newton. The internet is so random.

Day four, I’m checking the sweaty surface. Will it ever dry? The seventy percent humidity isn’t helping. The phone rings. I turn my back for a millisecond. Talk. Hang up.

“Jasmine? Jazzy?” Where’s the puppy? ”Shit.Shit.Shit.Shit.Shit . . .”

She’s yaps from the middle of the shiny floor. “You can’t catch me I’m the Gingerbread Schnauzer.” Dance. Dance. Dance. Puppy paws on concrete.

Smack. Smack. Smack. “Shit.” The sound of black flip-flops on wet paint. “Jazzy, come. Jasmine, come.”

“Let’s dance, mom.”

“Damn it. Jazzy come.” She bounces. I stick. Her little feet float above the surface. Weighing less than three pounds is an advantage when walking on wet paint. She doesn’t dent the surface. My BMI leaves size seven footprints. ”Gotcha.” I grab the little rat and deposit my shoes in the trash.

On day four, the floor the gets another coat. Hence I live with the expression, watching paint dry.

But, if you’re schlepping your belongings in a minivan, along with two kids, a dog, and a pop-up trailer that isn’t big enough for the five of you, see-through luggage is recommended.

•Overheard in  Subway Sandwiches:

I can’t. The bicycle is in the freezer.

You left the bicycle in the freezer?

Where else am I going to park it?

At least it isn’t a motorcycle.

•I saw these at the grocery store the other day. Spray pancakes.

Just when I was finally getting over Easy Cheese.

Stephen Elliott has a book promotion idea that sounds like the beginning of a new book. He traveled to out of the way locales to do readings in front of not-so-literary audiences, crashing on sofas and eating cupcakes. His book tour on-the-cheap isn’t for me, but I loved reading about it.”The D.I.Y. Book Tour.”

Agent Nathan Bransford has guest bloggers this week. This post by Myrlin A. Hermes is terrific. “How To Make a Book Trailer.”

Also, from the same blog post–royalty free music for short movies and book trailers. The best thing about the site, besides the price, is you can plug in the emotions you want to evoke, (humorous, heroic, horror) and the index will match the music for you. Sort of like a database for background music. Very, very cool.

If you haven’t seen this yet, go there now. Nicolas Cage’s face superimposed on Frida Kahlo and King Kong is worth a laugh, definitely.