Not My Hobby

img_6421 Today, I patronized my least favorite store. All of the clerks are tired and surly. I don’t blame them. If you follow the news at all, you know that the store’s owner beats the Bible over employee heads without a thought.

And yes, for the record, I believe birth control is a right. I’m a feminist and a liberal.

And a Christian.

That’s only part of the reason why this place sucks.

When our children were young, Bacon worked there for six months. He was enticed by the sign in the front window.

  • JOIN THE HOBBY LOBBY TEAM.
  • We promote from within.
  • Management positions available.

At hiring, the manager promised to start him out as a cashier. He never made it to the front of the store unless it was with a ladder. Instead, he reported at dawn to unload a truck. Never mind that he has two college degrees, customer service skills, and spent a year in seminary. He was muscle to HL. They didn’t care that his muscles were over 50.

One Tuesday, he finished an eight hour shift and hung his blue apron on the break room peg. He was in a hurry to pick up Coco from school when the assistant manager told him to recheck the schedule. Three extra hours had been added next to his name. On a normal day, Bacon would sling the apron back over his head and clock back in, but Coco was waiting.  He tried to explain, “My nine-year old is alone at school–”  His boss put a hand up in front of his face. He wasn’t hearing it.

So Bacon left.

He was fired the next day. Two weeks later, he was denied unemployment benefits. So much for family values. Amazing Grace sounds more than a little tinny to me over Hobby Lobby’s P.A. system.

Years later, I’m still chafed about it, but it hasn’t stopped me from occasionally taking advantage of the low prices on the backs of poor Chinese (and American) laborers.

I’m ashamed.

I didn’t browse. I wasn’t tempted by acres of whatnots, by bling so flaky and intense that Bacon used to complain about glitter-in-my-crack syndrome. No. I walked directly to the picture hangers, selected a package, and carried it to the front. I got in line.  A very long line. Only one cashier was working.

I waited.

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Not a bar code in sight.

Hobby Lobby uses an archaic system of ringing up purchases. There are no bar codes or scanners. Each cashier puts in an inventory number by hand. Every discount is added manually at the time of purchase. Today’s big bargain: dried flowers 50% off. The shopper in front of me bought a cart full.

The cashier brandished a bouquet of feathers on a pick. “These aren’t discounted. They’re not flowers.”

The customer straightened and stepped closer to the counter. She knew how to stand her ground in face of discount denial. “Well, they’re on the same aisle as the rest.”

The cashier rolled her shoulder toward the assistant manager, who was guarding the door (in case an octogenarian made a run for it with a set of glitter encrusted Mason Jars.) Without leaving her post, the boss decided the offer included feathers. The purchase totaled $103.49. Eucalyptus, (also not technically a flower) dried ragweed, (I mean baby’s breath), and raffia were bagged along with the feathers on a stick.

It was finally my turn.

I slapped my two packages on the counter, produced a five, and walked away with change. On my way out I said, “Have a good day.”

The cashier looked at me for the first time. “Oh. . . Thanks. . . You too.”

It’s a tough job.

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Jellybeans For Jesus?

The image is blurred to avoid proselytizing.

Bacon Crisp, my husband, brought this empty candy wrapper home from work. He’s employed at a big box Christian retail store. I won’t elaborate on how charitable the company is to employees or the fact that 99.99999% of the items sold are manufactured in Chinese sweatshops. That’s fodder for a separate rant.

This little package tells a story. Though blurred, the label at the top reads:

SCRIPTURE CANDY

Reaching The World One Piece At A Time

I never would eat black jelly beans, but that’s the point here, isn’t it? To throw sin away? What if you are a little VBSer, who likes liquorice? Does that make you sinful? Oh, the guilt of anise. Not to mention the danger. The FDA announced last Halloween that too much black liquorice is dangerous and can lead to “abnormal heart rhythms, as well as high blood pressure, edema (swelling), lethargy, and congestive heart failure.” Better avoid sin.

But the idea of eating blood isn’t very appetizing either. Unless you’re a vampire. I once taught high school drama to a girl, who wore a vile of her boyfriend’s blood around her neck on a chain. The classy little perfume bottle weirded out her classmates. I wonder if the blood of Jesus in a jellybean would convert her? Hmmm. Kinda weirds me out too. Better toss the reds.

That leaves Clean (bland and colorless), Heaven (why is heaven yellow?), Growth (green like marijuana), Royalty (for those obsessed with Kate and Wills), and Thank You Pink (WTF?) It isn’t like Tom Sawyer’s scripture tickets. Not a single word on the package is actually quoted from the Bible. To including the primary source might lead a person to make an informed judgement, and we all know how dangerous that is.

The best part of the story is the split in plastic. Bacon found the empty package on the floor below the display. Shoplifted.